Happiness is Worth the Wait

During the six years my daughter Johanna struggled with and finally succumbed to stage 4 rhabdomyosarcoma, a soft tissue cancer, I spent countless hours, including well over 100 overnight stays at the hospital by her side.

It’s only been a year and a half since she died, but despite the difficulty of those hospital stays, I look back at many of those hours with bittersweet fondness, for they were an opportunity of sorts to get to know her better, cherish time with her, learn patience, and simply be in awe of her unwavering humanism in all its aspects.

If you’ve ever been in a similar experience, you know that much of the time in a hospital is waiting — waiting for a room, waiting for blood draws, waiting for scans, waiting for procedures, waiting for test results, waiting to speak with a nurse or doctor, waiting to be discharged, waiting, waiting, waiting — almost always longer than seems reasonable. We’d distract ourselves by binge-watching shows, playing games, creating art, chatting about life, and more. Often, all we wanted was for the time to pass, to get to the future when she’d be cancer-free for an extended period and able to live her life as she wanted.

In today’s world, many people similarly find themselves waiting for time to pass in various circumstances and can be impatient even when they only have to wait for seconds, but I think we can do better than that. As I try to live the kind of life Johanna might have had if she had the chance, I do what I can to maximize happiness and enjoyment.

I know that I’m privileged to be in a position to act on this interest in the way I am, and that many are not, but I do hope that some of the principles I’ve gleaned, and even some specific practices, may be of help to others.

Looking back before Johanna was diagnosed, I see many ways that I’ve changed.

• As a former executive director, instead of spending most of my waking hours running an organization, I’m very satisfied being a good 9-5 fundraiser for VoteRiders, helping people overcome ID barriers to their vote, while unplugging from work in the evenings and on weekends.
• Instead of throwing my reading list aside, thinking I’ll never get to it, I find myself finishing at least a book a week, usually engaging fiction, and having time to read book recommendations from family and friends.
• Instead of running until I get an injury or not exercising at all, I spend 3-5 hours a week walking briskly outdoors, during which time I add in some grocery shopping, listen to a story or music, and/or walk through some of Washington, DC’s wonderful parks.
• Instead of letting my work calendar dictate my travel, I join my spouse Maggie wherever she goes for Humanists International (on my own time and dime) and take time to explore new places.

Part of this process is choosing better options, and part of it is breaking habits. For instance, I’ve decided to watch fewer movies and more limited series, since the latter have more depth and life lessons. Instead of going to convenient chain restaurants – eating the same food over and over again – I try new independent ones and aim to be more adventurous. If I feel I have more to give, I don’t hesitate to volunteer my time to help difference-making organizations be more effective. These simple changes make my everyday activities more fulfilling.

We also benefit from changing our waiting routine. Too often, we wait in line at airport security, the post office, or at Starbucks — and spend that time impatiently awaiting our turn. We might even find our anxiety spiking when someone ahead of us takes more than the expected amount of time. But rather than becoming restless or doomscrolling, we can replace those habits with healthier ones. We can chat with others in line, listen to a favorite podcast, take a minute to practice deep breathing, or plan for the rest of the day. These minor changes can be transformative for ourselves and others we interact with, as we delight in the line taking longer so we can relish more connection or content, and we are prepared to be friendly and engaging by the time it’s our turn.

Here are a few other ways we can discover happiness in routine ways:

• While going to an appointment or commuting, leave a little time to pause to take a picture of a flower or bird, or just look around at what’s changing in your town.
• Spend more time cooking and stopping by places along the way to eat or drink something new, interesting, and hopefully tasty.
• If you have mindless administrative tasks at work or at home, pair them with discovering new music or enjoying creative content you can listen to.
• While listening to someone who can be a bit tedious, think about how amazing they are in whatever way they are and silently celebrate them.
• When you are at live shows, be they music, theater, or sports, try to engage fully, resisting the urge to multitask since these are the destinations, not the journeys.

These days, I avoid just “getting through” and seek more from every experience. When possible, I think about activities in ways that make them more fun, teach me something, or add meaning.

Of course, just like anything, this can be overdone. Adding happiness to your routine isn’t a demand to be constantly productive — that can be toxic and can lead to burnout. In truth, doing what some people consider “nothing” — such as rewatching TV shows or movies you’ve seen multiple times, looking at your social media accounts, or ruminating on events of the past — isn’t valueless. These can be relaxing and renewing in small doses, as long as they don’t replace more valuable opportunities to connect, learn, and find pleasurable experiences.

Humanists and atheists understand that this life is our sole opportunity for joy, and we’d better make the best of it for ourselves and for the social good. I remember one time at the hospital, when I was trying to get overdue pain medication for Johanna, becoming exasperated and a little angry by the seemingly unnecessary delay. Johanna made me pause, pointing out how being angry is just a waste of time and energy, a reminder that when it comes to how we use our time, we benefit by being forgiving too.

Infusing happiness into everything we do is more than just seizing the day; it’s seizing nearly every moment.