The Ethical Dilemma: God’s Not Answering My Prayers!

This post appeared in our 2015 April Fools’ Day edition.

God’s Not Answering: God has not answered a single one of my prayers, and I am getting to the end of my rope on this stuff here, but I don’t want to go down the deep end and abandon him for atheism, Heaven forbid. I most recently asked him to get rid of my cankles and make me at least 5’6″ and gorgeous so that Victoria’s Secret will hire me to be a runway model. I don’t think I’m asking for too much because it’s not like I asked him to resolve the Palestine-Israel conflict or for world peace or for Americans to stop discriminating against gay people and black people and other minorities (do you think God is cool with that?), so I don’t understand why he can’t fulfill a simple request like this when I’ve had to schlep myself to church every Sunday since forever.

—Not Enjoying The Silence

Dear Not,

It would be helpful but not critical to know if you are male or female or other. It would also be helpful but not critical to know how you are conveying your prayers: vocally, in a whisper or proclaiming loudly; via snail-mail, e-mail, Facebook, Twitter; telepathically; or other.

Have you tried giving warning—politely, of course—that if your messages continue to go unanswered, you will look elsewhere for help? Initiating a dialog is often useful to determine if there’s something you did or said that caused your deity to shut down, or if your deity is having problems of his/her own. No one ever seems to consider and allow for that, but deities are human (albeit super) too, ya know.

If that doesn’t work, I suggest you look elsewhere for the things you seek. You might start with the Internet or Siri, which are always happy to respond to requests.

If God’s His Co-Pilot, What Am I? I think my boyfriend’s relationship with God is going too far. At first, I thought they were just friends, but then I read my boyfriend’s diary. Yes, I know I shouldn’t have done that, but I couldn’t resist. I think he’s in a dom/sub relationship with God, calling him “his lord and savior” and referring to him as “the almighty.” I think he’s dependent on God’s love and seems to rely on God’s opinion of me to determine whether he should be with me or not.

I’m seriously starting to feel like the third wheel. I asked him to chill out and try to develop that same intimacy with me but I don’t know if that’s possible. He keeps all of God’s jewelry and wears it all the time and everything is all “God says you should be more [x]” and “God says you shouldn’t do [y].” He’s even tried to make me wear a cross. He keeps God’s book in his room all the time and I think he’s been eating Jesus’s body and blood as part of some ritual they have together. I still really love him though because I think he might be a good person despite his perversions. How do I get him to break up with God?

—Third Wheel To God

Dear Wheel,

I’m sorry to say I don’t see how you can become an equal, let alone primary, component of this holy Trinity. Clearly, your guy cares more about his deity than about you, which would become painfully clear if you were to give him an ultimatum to dump God or you walk. He does, however, seem to be OK with stringing you along, so if you can live with that, he’ll probably allow you to stick around—until someone comes along who God finds more pleasing than you.

Sooner or later you’ll either get shoved aside for a more godly girl, or you’ll get fed up with those crosses dangling in your face and poking your naughty parts whenever you attempt to cuddle. When you’ve had enough of this ménage, I suggest you return any holy trinkets your boyfriend may have given you, and then go forth and seek someone who loves you for the godless heathen you are.

Learn more.