Ask Richard: Where should I draw the line on religious tolerance?

COLUMN By RICHARD WADE

For Humanist Network News
Oct. 6, 2010

You may send your questions for Richard to AskRichard@ca.rr.com. (Questions may be edited.) All questions will eventually be answered, but not all can be published. There are a large number of requests; please be patient.

Names are randomly changed for added anonymity.

Dear Richard,

My non-religious (as of yet) kids (ages 11 and 8) go to my in-law’s church occasionally when they stay over Saturday night. They then attend the Sunday school portion with their rather religious cousins. When they get home, we discuss what they talked about, and they are welcome to ask me or my husband questions about it. I figure it is a good way to get them exposed directly to other ways of thinking and to what the majority of our community thinks about life.

In the past, the kids were told about hell and God’s wrath and such — not really a big deal for our kids because they have no belief in an afterlife at this point, making hell impossible.

But last week they were told that evolution is a lie. Straight out, a lie. I was horrified. My gut reaction was, “They are never going there again.” But then my 11-year-old son said the youth leader had been talking about the Ten Commandments and about how you can’t lie, and he said he thought it was funny that the group leader then lied to all the kids about evolution not having any fossils to back it up. So I think my son caught on pretty quickly that what they are hearing is not necessarily the truth. But my 8-year-old daughter is less likely to confront the words of an authority figure in such a blatant manner. I personally draw the religious tolerance line at direct lies and misrepresentation of basic scientific tools, especially when it comes to life sciences.

I am having a really, really hard time balancing my worldview with that of my in-laws without insulting the youth leader at this church. I don’t want my kids to think less of these people, but how do I do that when the man stands up there and spouts ignorance at them?

We ended up talking about all the evidence that does back up evolution and why the Sunday school leader might have gotten the impression that it doesn’t. Then we also talked about how a person in authority does not necessarily have the correct answers and that you can’t trust someone based solely on the fact that they are in a position of authority. And that same statement goes for science as well. Every statement should be questioned if it seems out of place with the natural world.

So the lesson they learned at Sunday school was to not blindly accept what they are told, not even from their teachers or their parents. Not really the lesson I wanted them to get at such a young age, but I am not sure what else I could have said.

I still think going to church with their grandparents is a good idea, but how am I supposed to teach my kids religious tolerance when the religious make such untenable statements? How do I keep my kids (or myself for that matter) from feeling superior and likely set aside from the rest of our community?

–Laurie

Dear Laurie,

Your kids are going to be fine. They have a superb teacher.

I think that you’ve been handling things very well. The discussions you have been having about what they heard at the church have been excellent. You are teaching them good habits of critical thinking, including being willing to question a claim by science just as closely as a claim by religion. Good for you.

Don’t worry too much about their learning to even question your knowledge. You are building a relationship with them based on respect and honesty. In the long run, that will give you much more credibility in their eyes than a relationship based on the authority of force.

I printed your entire letter because so much of it is good advice for parents in a similar situation. The only parts where I see you’re uncomfortable are in these two statements:

…but how am I supposed to teach my kids religious tolerance when the religious make such untenable statements? How do I keep my kids (or myself for that matter) from feeling superior and likely set aside from the rest of our community?

By watching you as well as listening to you, this is what I think your children are learning at their own levels:

There is what you think of a person’s beliefs, and then there’s how you treat that person. You can consider their beliefs to be ridiculous, yet you don’t have to put effort into openly ridiculing the person. You can lack respect for their beliefs, yet you can still treat the person respectfully.

The kind of religious tolerance I think you want your kids to practice consists of three things:

Supporting civil rights: Refraining from interfering with the free belief and practice of someone else’s religion, as long as that practice does not violate civil law.
General respectful conduct: Refraining from unnecessary, out-of-context, cruel or humiliating ridicule or derision of someone’s religious beliefs.
Discretion: Knowing when to challenge a religious claim and when to disregard it; who to confront and who to quietly abide; knowing when to call something a lie, when to call it ignorance, and whether either course is worth it; knowing how to balance principles, prudence and pragmatics in each case. Discretion is an on-going, lifelong lesson. We learn it from wise teachers and from painful mistakes.

Religious tolerance does not require making concessions to, or allowing lower standards for claims and practices that are either absurd or harmful. It does not require pretending agreement. Those are optional behaviors that are about dealing with the social situation at hand. The skill of discretion helps us find our way through the ambiguous, never cut-and-dry complexities of delicate relationships.

I think your two kids are already picking up on these distinctions by simply watching you interact with their grandparents, and then having those excellent discussions later at home. They’re realizing that disagreeing with their grandparents’ beliefs is not the same as “insulting” their grandparents. They can see that finding the ever-shifting balance of truthfulness and kindness is important to you, and so it will be important to them as well.

You don’t want them to “think less of these people.” Well, it’s inevitable that they’re going to think less of their opinions, but they don’t have to think less of them as persons.

You want to keep them from feeling superior and likely set aside from the rest of your community. Well, their method of thinking is superior, and they’re already different from the community. You just don’t want them to act like snobs, or to think that they are intrinsically superior beings in every way. As they grow and interact with the community, they will try out different stances, and some may be a bit over the top. Because of your respect-based relationship with them, you will be able to gently admonish them if they get too big for their britches, and they will make a correction.

There will come a time when the difference between what you are teaching them and what they’re hearing at church will be stretched to its limit, and then I think it will be time to let them stay home. They’ll probably tell you when they’ve reached that point. You will have exposed them enough to religious ideas and that way of thinking, and as they grow to teens and then adults, they will have valuable skills for constructively dealing with the religious people around them.

As I said, you are a superb teacher for them. The best teachers want their students to surpass them. Be open and ready for learning lessons of wisdom from them. Of the many joys of parenting, that is one of the best.

–Richard

Richard Wade identifies as both a humanist and an atheist. He has worked as an artist and as a marriage and family therapist with many years in the specialization of addiction. Now retired, he has counseled more than ten thousand patients. Questions to this advice column are welcome from any perspective or belief, not just that of humanism or atheism. Richard Wade’s column can also be read on a regular basis at The Friendly Atheist blog.