Incels: A Humanist Understanding and Approach
When I began college, I struggled with my mental health and adjusting to the new social environment. Feeling the effects of loneliness and my own social shortcomings, I became increasingly bitter. Watching students out of my dorm room window dressed up to go out to bars or parties they had been invited to and hearing them laugh and carry on caused me great sadness. I summed up my jealousy and angst to close friends with the statement, “I hate happy people.” The Incel mindset is this principle taken to a dangerous, potentially even deadly extreme.
As defined by Bruce Hoffman from the Center of Security Studies, “Predominantly composed of young males who congregate on various online forums, Incels assail what they believe are the social injustices wrought by genetic determinism and female preferences that have relegated them to the margins of society.” Incels, short for “involuntary celibates,” place blame on themselves for physical and mental traits that they perceive as unchangeable and that they perceive make them unattractive to women. The common wisdom is that someone has to be a deranged loner to become an Incel, but the truth is that all it takes is a vulnerable person being exposed to a toxic community to adopt a completely broken worldview.
The process of becoming an Incel is not one that occurs overnight, and signs can oftentimes be traced back many years before one even discovers the community. Some Incels are born with mental health or neurodevelopmental disorders like being on the autism spectrum that contribute to their difficulty relating to and bonding with the world around them (Speckhard). A young child may go through elementary and middle school, possibly neurodivergent but almost always shy and with low self-esteem, have difficulty making friends, not experimenting with crushes and dating, and overall, feel that the social benchmarks being experienced by their peers are passing them by.
As this young child becomes a teenager and goes through puberty, the sexual aspect of the Incel experience begins to present itself. Merely watching their peers experience joy fills them with more and more bitterness. Bullying may be present at some point during their school career, leading the budding Incel to become more self-loathing and withdrawn. For younger people, the phenomenon of being gradually guided online from common “nerdy” interests like video games towards right-wing commentary that often coincides with Inceldom is not uncommon (Kamenetz). For vulnerable or isolated people – particularly younger people, a parasocial relationship can form with a content creator that makes them feel less alone, and the opinions of the creator can quickly become the opinions of the young person consuming the content. This can prove disastrous if the creator of choice is one aligned with the alt-right. Consider this study done by The Department of Communication Studies at the University of San Diego:
Parasocial relationships may be particularly meaningful for those who experience obstacles developing real-life social bonds … LGB adolescents were more likely to report their favorite media personae as important sources of information on a range of issues related to socialization
This particular study is on lesbian, gay and bisexual youth, but the principle likely applies for other vulnerable youth – in this case the socially isolated.
Much of the general public first became aware of Incels in 2014 following the attacks by Incel-worshipped Elliot Rodger, during which he killed six victims before turning the gun on himself. Rodger had posted videos on YouTube prior to the attacks talking about his romantic struggles, his hatred of women and various other personal problems that led him to plan what he would later call his “retribution.” Notably, Rodger also emailed a 137-page manifesto to his acquaintances, family and therapist in which he explained chronologically, and in great detail, all the events in his life that led up to his decision to carry out the attacks. The document is taxing to read due to both its distressing content and great length, but there are a few significant takeaways. Themes like seeing couples in public and being enraged by them, the belief that he cannot find true happiness without a girlfriend, a hatred of women, and the belief that he is just too fundamentally broken and unremarkable to ever find satisfaction in life, are repeated ad nauseum in the document:
No matter where I go, I have to face all of the same injustices. Young couples are everywhere! They constantly remind me of what I have lacked all my life. I cannot go out of my room without seeing a young couple that would make me feel envious and enraged. How dare those girls give their love and sex to those other men and not me, I constantly think when I see young couples. There is nowhere in the world I can go anymore. There is no more life to live.
Interestingly, throughout the manifesto, Rodger states that at several points leading up to its writing, he had had hope that his situation may turn around and that his life may improve, but he goes back on these statements, each time with little explanation, transfixed on the fatalist outcome he has determined for himself:
Even in the first months of 2014, leading up to the tragic day in April, the little twinge of hope inside me never faded. It remained, as if it were [a] tiny, flickering flame of a candle in a dark room. … That lasted a good two weeks … There was no hope now, and I had to accept it.
Elliot Rodger’s experiences and mindset are emblematic of Incels at large; ergo it is no surprise that he is as revered by them as he is.
The Incel culture is one that is built around hopelessness. The act of fully believing that your life will never get better, and that you will never find friends or a girlfriend is referred to internally as “taking the Black Pill,” a reference to the red pill/blue pill scene in “The Matrix” (Hoffman). The flaws that Incels see in themselves that lead to taking the Black Pill can be in physical appearance – more often unchangeable aspects like facial composition, bone structure and height, and less often temporary afflictions like being overweight or non-muscular – although those are also certainly acknowledged. The flaws can also be in their personalities or aforementioned mental health issues. The mental health issues can consist of conditions like autism or ADHD, although more common issues like social anxiety and depression can also contribute. If left untreated and amplified by the echo chamber of the online community, these can cloud the Incel’s judgement and make them unable to ever see a future in which they will feel better. User “Deleted User 15546” on the Incels.is forum made the following post titled “You are Not Subhuman:”
What do you seriously expect when you say ‘women’s standards are too high’?
… DO NOT reinforce it by calling yourself ‘subhuman’ or ‘manlet’.
WHY should you be considered unattractive? Realistically, how do your physical features REALLY affect your PHYSICAL day-to-day life? ALWAYS ASK THIS
Does the shape of your eyelids or chin for example affect your ability to do your job? Probably not …
User “Happiless” had this to say in response:
Subhuman is a fitting term for us.
Humans reproduce. We’re ugly enough to not reproduce = subhuman. Humans have the qualities of looks, social skills and intellect. If you’re way below average in looks and aren’t above average in the other qualities = subhuman. Not saying the term subhuman objectively means anything, just that’s it’s a decent way to describe myself and many Incels. Calling [women] subhumans for being less capable than men doesn’t make sense either, since they’re objects meant for breeding. It’s a term for men, and arguably for other races if you’re a fan of [racism].\
This quote disturbingly includes many awful aspects of the Incel community in a chillingly casual manner. The description of women as “objects meant for breeding” preceding the user saying that nonwhite people can be considered “subhuman” and that racism is an acceptable ideology to subscribe to is particularly shocking.
The Incel also projects their insecurities outwards, the logic being, “If women aren’t attracted to me, there’s surely something wrong with them.” Some extreme Incels may share common outlooks with Elliot Rodger, such as:
There is no creature more evil and depraved than the human female. Women are like a plague. They don’t deserve to have any rights. Their wickedness must be contained in order to prevent future generations from falling to degeneracy. Women are vicious, evil, barbaric animals, and they need to be treated as such.
Hatred for women can hardly get more blatant. Such strong language being used to assess half of the population is not the mark of a rational person.
Society may not have had the language to describe it as such at the time, but many historically notable school shooters, mass murderers and other terrorists had characteristics that today are associated with Incels – and Incels praise them as such. Perpetrators as well-known as those responsible for the Columbine attacks have a strong case for being Incels. Traits like a hatred for popular students (whom modern day Incels might refer to as “Chads” or “Stacys”), and notable shyness would eventually be looked at in retrospect as possible warning signs of the tragedy (Shepard). However, most Incels do not become violent. In fact, most Incels are not outspoken about their beliefs in-person at all, and one may very well be classmates or coworkers with an Incel without knowing. They are, by nature, shy and often have wallflower-like dispositions (although not to the death-sentence extent that they believe).
One of the most fascinating aspects of the phenomenon is that the origin of the term “Incel” came from a place of care and empathy and, ironically, was coined by a woman. The term originated in 1997 when Alana Boltwood founded the website Alana’s Involuntary Celibacy Project, a place for both men and women to discuss feelings of loneliness and their searches for companionship (Hoffman). The female involvement in the Incel community does not end with Alana’s forums. Although the Incel phenomenon has the perception of being a mostly male occurrence, there are many women involved in the movement. These women self-identify as “Femcels.” Being socially isolated, bullied, feeling ignored romantically and feeling a lack of hope are not exclusively male experiences, but many women going through these experiences who explored Incel spaces online were quickly horrified by the rampant misogyny. These women created their own online spaces, on both boards on Reddit and dedicated websites of their own.
The modern Femcel atmosphere resembles Alana’s forums much more closely than that of the modern male Incel. The Femcel spaces online focus less on the sex aspect; many Femcels are of the opinion that most women could easily find meaningless sex with a man. Femcels tend to focus more on the point that they are unable to find truly meaningful relationships. An unfortunate facet of the community is that although the misogyny is less blatant — there being no statements made like those by Elliot Rodger, and no encouragement of violence against women — the sexism still exists.
The concept of “internalized misogyny” has been a heated debate in social justice circles in recent years. Nina Cherry, representative of The University of Missouri-Kansas City Women’s Center, gives a definition: “Internalized misogyny is when women subconsciously project sexist ideas onto other women and even onto themselves.” It certainly has the tendency to come out in full force in these online Femcel spaces. A post by user #66984 on Crystal Café, a website frequented by Femcels, displays both internalized misogyny and the belief that sex is of secondary importance to Femcels:
A Femcel can ‘get lucky’, especially on the internet, but there’s a much higher chance she’ll be treated like s*it, used as training wheels or a f*ck toy, pumped and dumped, etc, and her ‘bf’ isn’t happy with her. This is like how men say men cheat if a woman is ugly/gets ugly.
My dumb*ss conspiracy theory is that way more older women are technical ‘Femcels’ and essentially the only reason men married them is because they were younger/cuter at the time.
This user believes that sex alone is not sufficient for romantic satisfaction, and that it may actually matter very little. The first part of this post also displays the element of fatalism in the Incel and Femcel philosophy: “Even if you do manage to have sex with someone, it will end poorly for you.” The prospect of older women being universally romantically and sexually hopeless is an appalling one to most normal people, but to some Femcels, it may seem like a given truth. This misogynistic ideal being held at a young age can very feasibly lead to more intense self-esteem issues as the Femcel ages.
Somewhat predictably, due to the rampant misogyny that characterizes Incels, the existence of Femcels is highly controversial within the community and can often be a source of great anger. Responding to a post linking to an article about Femcels on an Incel forum, user Nazianime had this to say:
This is just another wonderful example of how women like to water things down to the lowest common denominator just to feel included. Then they wonder why they are all hated in any scientific field or many hobby communities.
Women are the n*****s of the the sexes.
This is a sexist generalization of women, and a misguided justification of women being less prominent in STEM fields due to their own natural shortcomings as perceived by Incels. The use of a racial slur to illustrate just how little the poster respects women is particularly telling.
One facet of the current public outlook on Incels is that the potential for violence is focused exclusively from the angle of terrorist attacks, when in reality, most Incels are more of a danger to themselves than others. The very real and higher suicide rate for Incels when compared to their average peer is often ignored (Daly). When the perception is that a group of people are all sexist, terroristic monsters, not much concern or empathy from the general uninformed public can be expected. The more that being an Incel becomes either an insult, punchline or the mark of a threat to national security, the more discouraged those who are not as far gone may become to getting help re-framing their mindset.
Perhaps a testament to how influential and toxic the Incel ideology can be is my personal experience writing this piece. As I spent weeks submerged in these online spaces, the poison began to seep its way into my thoughts. Not the misogyny, but other elements of the Femcel ideology. Everywhere I went and every interaction I had at social gatherings began to have the internal pretense that everyone was judging me and treating me differently because of how I looked. The paranoia and delusional dysmorphia characteristic of the users on the Femcel thread of Crystal Café overtook me temporarily, and it was frightening. I have friends, and have been able to find fulfilling romantic relationships, but the self-pity and paranoia is so coercive to someone with any pre-existing self-esteem issues or anxiety that it does not matter. I am able to see through the cloud of hatred to the truth, but many Femcels and Incels cannot. Considering the effect this environment had on me over the matter of a few weeks, I cannot begin to imagine how it would impact someone over the course of years.
Incels are obviously a problem, causing great distress and harm both to themselves, and potentially to those around them. So what is to be done? One solution that has already been pursued is simply banning and removing the online spaces in which they congregate. Reddit, the platform well-known to have been a favorite gathering space for Incels, made the decision to remove subreddits made for the purpose of discussing Incel matters several years ago. Even boards dedicated to the aforementioned less-threatening Femcels have been banned. New boards occasionally emerge but are quickly snuffed out once administrative staff takes notice of them. This is a valiant effort, and has certainly made some progress in terms of making the content less accessible and therefore less of a risk to accidentally fall into, but due to the nature of the internet, and the fact that many Incels spend most of their time online and are therefore very internet- and tech-savvy, it is not possible to resolve the issue by censorship alone.
Another website frequently used by Incels is 4chan. 4chan does not have dedicated Incel spaces, but conversations by Incels and pertaining to Incel matters still frequently occur, and given that the site is entirely anonymous and the administrative team has taken the stance of generally allowing extreme content, removing content on this site is not a promising strategy to resolving the issue. Dedicated websites that only run Incel content are also somewhat common..
One downright cartoonish solution that has been proposed, although likely partially in jest, has been for government-supplied sex workers to be utilized to placate Incels’ unsatisfied needs. Any solution that focuses on just the sex aspect is missing the much larger point of the issue, being a lack of not only sex, but companionship and acceptance, both romantic and platonic.
The reality is that Incels, regardless of how awful their ideas are and however much society may detest them as a result, need intensive mental health treatment. Treating every Incel would of course be an extremely large undertaking for many reasons. It would require both Incels uncharacteristically accepting help and admitting fault, and a restructuring of the broken American health care system.
Beyond this, the best solution may be one from within the community. Although the instinct once you rid yourself of the horrific ideas of the community would be to be embarrassed and burn all bridges, coming back to provide hope is essential for former Incels. It’s not uncommon for former Incels to do interviews with mainstream media and provide shocking fodder for think pieces, but this only serves the purpose of further ostracizing Incels. In the same thread that provided User “Happiless”’ revolting defense of the term “subhuman,” there were many expressions of gratitude and that what the original poster was saying – that your physical appearance may not hold one back as much as Incels think, made sense and would be taken into consideration. User “The Cagot” summarizes both the Incel mindset and the solution perfectly:
On this forum, I see all the time self-depreciation. People feel trapped because they’ve classified themselves as uglies by society’s standards, and one can’t change his physical appearance. It leads to a feeling of powerlessness. They convince themselves that they can’t do anything. And they stay in this state because it’s comfortable.
But it’s [helpful] because they can do something. Not physically. They can use their minds. That’s the whitepill, ascending using the only thing you can ascend with : your thinking. If you can’t change your [body], you can change your mind (The Cagot)
“Taking the White Pill” means realizing that happiness without sex or romantic relationships is possible. Coming to this conclusion may even lead to an increase of self-esteem, possibly leading to the Incel being able to find a romantic partner and move on with a normal life. The true solution to the Incel’s problems comes from within: take the White Pill.
With all of that being said, how do we as a society “prescribe” these “White Pills?” The application of humanist values is a strong potential avenue. As humanists, we believe that all people should act with humility, or the acknowledgement that humans are inherently fallible and all have flaws. Although the flaws of the Incel —mysogony, racism, and the tendency for violence—may horrify most ethical people, in order for social progress to be made, these flaws must be held in equality with the flaws that “normal” people possess. Extreme judgement of the Incel does significantly more harm than good. Many Incels desire transgression in all its forms, not unlike the right-wing tendency to “own the libs.” When the general public disparages Incels as being hopelessly evil, we are taking the same “Black Pill” that the Incels have already taken themselves when we dismiss people as unreachable. We must hold a genuine hope for personal improvement for every person, Incels included.
Empathy is another humanist value that must be held in order for there to be any hope of tackling the Incel problem. Although it is difficult to conceive of holding empathy for those who so strongly go against what we know to be right and moral, this empathy must be held regardless. As we’ve discussed, nobody becomes an Incel without reason. Many of the circumstances that lead people to become Incels are genuinely difficult and distressing life situations, and the desire to reach out for community, however misguided in its practice, is understandable. As humanists, we have to hold our judgement and curb our desires to chastise those who have fallen down the wrong path. When we communicate with Incels, in-person or (more likely) online, we must constantly remind ourselves of this fact.
Works Cited
Hoffman, Bruce, et al. “Assessing the Threat of Incel Violence.” Studies in Conflict & Terrorism, vol. 43, no. 7, 2020, pp. 565–587., https://doi.org/10.1080/1057610x.2020.1751459
Prasad, Ritu. “How I Stopped My Teenager Being Recruited Online.” BBC News, BBC, 18 Aug. 2019, https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-49363958
Bond, Bradley J. “Parasocial Relationships with Media Personae: Why They Matter and How They Differ among Heterosexual, Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual Adolescents.” Media Psychology, vol. 21, no. 3, 2018, pp. 457–485., https://doi.org/10.1080/15213269.2017.1416295
Basu, Tanya. “YouTube’s Algorithm Seems to Be Funneling People to Alt-Right Videos.” MIT Technology Review, MIT Technology Review, 2 Apr. 2020, https://www.technologyreview.com/2020/01/29/276000/a-study-of-youtube-comments-shows-how-its-turning-people-onto-the-alt-right/.
Kamenetz, Anya. “Right-Wing Hate Groups Are Recruiting Video Gamers.” NPR, NPR, 5 Nov. 2018, https://www.npr.org/2018/11/05/660642531/right-wing-hate-groups-are-recruiting-video-gamers
Cherry, Nina. “Internalized Misogyny: What Does It Look like? How Do You Stop It?” UMKC Womens Center, University of Missouri-Kansas City, 16 Nov. 2018, https://info.umkc.edu/womenc/2018/11/16/internalized-misogyny-what-does-it-look-like-how-do-you-stop-it/
Romano, Aja. “What a Woman-Led Incel Support Group Can Teach Us about Men and Mental Health.” Vox, Vox, 20 June 2018, https://www.vox.com/2018/6/20/17314846/Incel-support-group-therapy-black-pill-mental-health.
Shepard, C. “Dylan Klebold’s Writing – Journals, Diaries and School Papers.” a Columbine Site, http://www.acolumbinesite.com/dylan/writing.php.
Speckhard, Anne. “Perspective: Incels, Autism, Violent Extremism and the Case of Alek Minassian – HS Today.” Hstoday, Government Technology and Services Coalition, 4 Mar. 2021, https://www.hstoday.us/subject-matter-areas/counterterrorism/perspective-Incels-autism-violent-extremism-and-the-case-of-alek-minassian/#_edn5.
Daly, Sarah E., and Albina Laskovtsov. “‘Goodbye, My Friendcels’: An Analysis of Incel Suicide Posts.” Journal of Qualitative Criminal Justice & Criminology, 3 Nov. 2021, https://doi.org/https://doi.org/10.21428/88de04a1.b7b8b295.
User # 66984. “Femcel General.” Crystal Café (13 Oct .2021) https://crystal.cafe/feels/res/59574.html#q59574
Various Authors. “You are Not Subhuman.” Incels.is (10 Nov. 2020) https://Incels.is/threads/you-are-not-subhuman.257061/
Nazianime. “The Femcel Revolution.” Incels.is (1 Oct. 2021) https://Incels.is/threads/the-Femcel-revolution.322169/
Rodger, Elliot. My Twisted World. 2014, https://s3.documentcloud.org/documents/1173808/elliot-rodger-manifesto.pdf Accessed 10 Nov. 2021