Ladies, are you feeling like your wardrobe could use an upgrade of “biblical” proportions? Have you ever been unfairly called a “whore”? Were you ever mistaken for some other woman who touched Jesus’s feet?
Ok, so that last one is unlikely.
But if you’re in need of a divine style-intervention, then read on, my sisters of the cloth, for my top five style tips.
1. Mixed-Blend Fabrics: Just Say No
It doesn’t matter if you’re going out in Bethlehem, PA, or that other Bethlehem: wearing poly-blend clothing is not only cheap and trashy—it’s an abomination in the eyes of the Lord. As it says in Deuteronomy, “Thou shalt not wear a garment of divers[e] sorts, as of woolen and linen together.”
Pick a fabric and stick with it! Your skin, your soul, and my eyes will thank you.
2. Modesty, Modesty, Modesty
As my good friend Tim once said, “Women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire.”
And boy was he right. Take a look at yourself in the mirror: if you’re able to take off one piece of jewelry and put on one more layer, then do it.
3. Draping Is Your Friend
ROBES, people: the easiest way to look luxurious and stay comfortable at the same time! Are you unhappy with your figure? With proper draping and enough fabric, no one will ever be able to tell your shape!
I’ve been practicing this method for—quite literally—centuries. Check out of some of my favorite looks below, and remember: there’s a reason God hasn’t smote the inventor of the Snuggie.
(And, as you can see, accessorizing with human skulls can add an extra air of elegance to your portraits.)
4. The Lighter the Makeup, the Closer to God
The photos above also perfectly illustrate my next style tip.
Some of you may not know that I am [what is now known as] a Palestinian. Most don’t know this because if you have ever seen a classical depiction of me, I tend to look like the creepy love child of Tilda Swinton and Lady Edith from Downton Abbey.
Fun fact: that is not my real skin tone!
Wearing light makeup will give you the innocent, angelic look that is all the rage in the Kingdom of Heaven.
5. Know Your Audience
When you assemble your outfit every morning, who do you have in mind? Are you thinking about your family? Your friends? That guy Joe who works down the hall?
Wrong, wrong, and wrong. The only worthy set of judging eyes are the eyes of the Lord, and take it from me—he has some pretty discerning taste.
So there you have it, ladies! Consider this your five-point “style Bible.” Now go forth and make ‘em scream “holy moly!”