This post appeared in our 2015 April Fools’ Day edition.
Today the American Humanist Association announced that its new honorary president will be Texas Senator and U.S. presidential candidate Ted Cruz.
“I was praying to God, and he told me everything I believed was wrong, including believing in him,” said Cruz when asked about accepting the honor of leading one of the largest secular organizations in the United States. “Then God said, ‘I prefer humanists. They’re compassionate, rational, and intelligent.’ I realized I want to be all those things, so I joined the American Humanist Association immediately.”
Cruz continued, “Besides, if the United States presidency doesn’t work out, at least I’ve got this.”
Roy Speckhardt, executive director of the American Humanist Association, explained the decision: “Ted Cruz is hot right now, politically speaking. He’s everywhere—supporting Indiana’s religious freedom bill, opposing marriage equality for LGBTQ Americans. Sure, we disagree fully on every issue, but that’s what makes him attractive as an honorary president. He’ll be our ultimate conversion story!”
When asked how he felt about following in the footsteps of Isaac Asimov, Kurt Vonnegut, and Gore Vidal, Cruz replied, “To be honest, I stopped listening to them after 9/11.”
Cruz begins his duties as honorary president on April 1 and has already been pictured wearing a happy humanist pin.