If…

Bozo the Clown were President, he’d be Ringmaster of his own
Inauguration Ceremony. He’d Rocky Balboa the Capitol steps,
and swear while swearing in. “…███, ████, ████*, and defend
the Constitution of the United States, oh help me God,” he’d say,
fingers crossed behind his back, and it’d be the most honest official
oath in Presidential history. He’d cartwheel down Pennsylvania Ave,
then smack VP Cookie with a cream pie, followed by a 21-cap gun
salute while the Big Top Band plays, “Hell, Here’s the Chief.”

If Bozo were POTUS, he’d start an arms race with smoke
bombs and flag guns reading: BANG! P✹W! or KIT⌖WWW!
He’d fill his Cabinet with helium balloons to assuage concerns
of Executive competency and place Man atop the endangered species
list since we’re all tapdancing the tightrope of Dinosauria. He’d issue
clown makeup mandates, ensuring we always show our true colors,
then supply the nation with selfie sticks adorned with funhouse mirrors,
so no matter who we look to blame, we always find the guilty.

President Bozo would revert to a natural standard backing the world’s
currency, but instead of gold and silver he’d make it water, with class
class separation being levels of dehydration, then just watch how fast
we drain the seas. He’d ask various countries to trade places with others:
Britain to Africa, China to Tibet, Germany to Israel. Move America
to Iraq and see if we’re really a World Superpower or if it’s all
location, location, location. He’d settle all wars with nations playing
The Grand Prize Game: each bucket made is another battle won.

If he were leader of the “Me World,” he’d declare diamonds worthless,
deem gravel precious stones, then every street would always be paved
with jewels. He’d have the Haves half all they have with the Have-
nots, so the Have-nots at least have something. He’d sign a bill
into law that would reverse all celebrity, making movie and reality
stars, sports and pop gods pay ginormous merch and ticket prices
for front row seats to watch teachers teach, plumbers plunge,
and sweatshop workers live while dying for minimal wage.

“The World’s Most Shameless Clown” would do standup for speeches,
excusing at least some political hilarity. He’d tweet the (Sorry) State
of the Unition using emojis 🤡, #hashtags, and mispeled abrev. [sic],
and it’d still be the easiest to comprehend in years. He’d start a new Cold
War with ice cream, proclaiming at NATO Summits, “I scream, you scream,
everybody always screams!” Squonking a bike horn, he’d drop harem trou
to heart print undershorts, then squirt Kim Jong-Un with a trick  flower,
yank a rabbit from Hu Jintao’s ear, twist Vladamir Putin a puppy balloon.

He’d make the world a fun place,
turn humanity into a happy race.

If Bozo the Clown were President,
he’d be assassinated with a smile.

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^{* Redacted for National (In)Security}