On “Coming Out”

Coming out is overrated. The concept. The expectation. It reeks of compulsory heteronormativity and I don’t like it one bit.

For the uninitiated, compulsory heteronormativity (or “comphet”) is a term coined by Adrienne Rich to describe the way heterosexuality and straight relationships are treated as the default in society (it’s what Chappell Roan’s “Good Luck, Babe!” is all about). Everyone and every relationship is heterosexual until proven otherwise. It’s a pre-written, socially-validated script.

Comphet is why many queer people reject the idea of having to come out in the first place. Cis, straight people aren’t expected to justify their desires or articulate their identity at any point in their lives. So why are we?

To be clear, what I take issue with is coming out as an expectation – not the act itself. I’m fully supportive of queer and trans people stepping into their identities and finding meaning in the act of re-introducing themselves to their friends, family or coworkers.

My beef with coming out is that it’s lame! Dare I say jejune. It kind of feels like when we’d do a ceremony for fifth-grade graduation. Why are we making a spectacle of…this?

And there’s of course the reality that coming out isn’t an option or safe for everyone. It should be, if that’s something you want to do – absolutely. But with the federal government calling trans people terrorists, I get the reluctance.

As humanists, we can celebrate people’s decision to come out without reinforcing the expectation that they need to. It would actually go a long way in normalizing queer and trans identity if we didn’t feel like we had to explain ourselves all the damn time.

I’ve never come out in any “real” way because I’ve never felt the need to. I’ve sort of always been of the opinion that until I decide you’re safe sharing that information with, it’s not any of your concern what words I use to describe my gender and sexuality.

Instead, I mostly let people pick up from context. It’s less work. And frankly, I’ve never really been good at hiding it.

I’d like to see a world where we foist the onus of normalizing queerness back onto the society that treated us as aberrations in the first place. Let them deal with their discomfort. Force them to Google, read a Tumblr post, pick up a book. Easier said than done, I know, especially when discomfort can escalate to violence.

I’m aware this is aspirational, maybe not grounded in our current reality. But I’d love to see more queer people shunning labels and being their unapologetic, confusing selves anyway. We don’t need permission or a contextualizing statement to deserve the respect and dignity we’re owed.